Is It Hard?

I started the title as "It's Hard".  It's how I was feeling, life can be that way sometimes.  But then I felt guilty about that title.  Because my problems are very first world.  It's hard waiting for my nice house to sell.  It's hard waiting to build, what I hope will be our forever home.  It's hard to feel like a good mom most times, a good wife, a good friend.  It's hard running a business that is untraditional and so many people see as illegitimate.  Are those things really hard or are they mere inconveniences?  Probably more the latter.  But those "hard things" exist for us.  Hopefully they will be the most difficult things we ever deal with, but probably not.  Will I look back in 10 years and wish we were just dealing with these things?  Maybe.  I know so many people that have had much harder times and then my guilt creeps in, settles in my gut and my head, starts berating me for not appreciating enough.  See, it's hard. I over think 95% of what I do, what happens to me and what will come.  "Let Go and Let God".  I know.  I wish I capable of that all the time. I'm working on it, I really am :) 

Will I be back to my blog more?  I hope so.  In reality, let's face it, probably not.  I like to write, I like to share.  Just look at my FB feed, I probably over share!  I can never seem to convey the emotion that I want to though.  So I drifted back here to write a bit.

This fall has been the best one in probably the last 7 years.  Our kids are 10, 7 and almost 5. They can all feed themselves, dress themselves, brush their teeth, go potty and wipe their own behinds.  Can I get an amen?!  The independence they have, while sad in one way, has given me freedom!  Just to cook, clean and help with homework, don't get too jealous. But my balancing act is easier.  I've decided this is where I'd like to freeze time. They all still love us, but can wipe their own butts ;)  It's the best.  Do I miss the snuggly, melt into you newborn?  Always will.  But I like the little people my newborns have become. 

And they're freakin' gorgeous too!

So maybe when I write it all out, it's not that hard.  I love my husband.  He puts up with me when I don't like myself all that much, not so sure how he does. Our marriage is the easy in my life.  I don't always feel like a good wife, but I know to the core of my being, he will always be my biggest cheerleader, my #1 fan and we will last forever...just like my love for donuts ;)  

It's a good life.  A busy life.  I'm thankful everyday.  Even when I complain about our hard things.    

Where Oh Where Did The Cowser Family Go?

We've been here all along is the short answer ;)  It has been almost 2 whole years since I blogged.  Goodness, I can only explain with life gets busier when kids get older!  Alyvia is now 9, Colson is 6 and our little Kenni is already 4.  Time flies.
I've been feeling like I want to share more lately.  About lots of things.  It's too lengthy for a FB post and I'm no good on a live feed, so my blog felt like the natural place to return to.  It might be different than it was 2 years ago, but we are different, hopefully in the best ways.  So if you're interested, jump back in with us (at least for today, I make no promises)!  I plan on talking about family, being a mom and just trying to make it all work.  Here's what's on my heart today....

How, as moms, do we do it all?  Simple answer is, we can't.  But most (me!) still strive to make it happen. For me, doing it all led me home <3  I was working full time at the hospital as a Neonatal ICU nurse.  I love being a NICU nurse.  I get emotional when I scroll past FB pics of my most treasured babies growing up.  When not so long ago, I comforted their mommas as they wondered if they would get a tomorrow with their tiny fighters.  It's an amazing profession....but it's a demanding one.  Mostly emotionally.  But physically, it entails 12 hours shifts (at least). Working nights, weekends and holidays away from the ones I love.  After almost 14 years of working full time, I hit my breaking point.  I had 3 little people at home that needed me....and I wanted to be with them.  The weight of responsibility of raising these little people had become my #1 priority and I felt like I was drowning while working full time.

Before you roll your eyes and think about how dramatic I am, let me interject ;)  I am so thankful for my job and we could have made it work, that's what we are conditioned to do right?  Be thankful for what you have, don't be asking for more, that's selfish.  But what if it's possible (and even okay) to be thankful for what you have and still want more out of life?  I have decided it is.  I want to share a story, a little background about how important my work is to me.  Before Alan and I got married, we had to do counseling at church.  One session focused on what our plans were about children, how we would provide for them, who would care for them?  Our pastor suggested that a parent (me) should be home with our kids.  That raising them would be more important than working outside the home.  I was fairly insulted!  How could I quit my job that I wanted to do since I was 12?  Why would it have to be me?  I take care of tiny babies, it's a VERY important job!  We would never be able to afford that anyway.  We talked a little about the subject and left it alone after that, but the conversation has always stuck with me.  A few years ago, 9 years after the discussion, I finally got it.  My family needed to be my #1 priority and something had to give.  While I couldn't afford to quit my job, and still didn't really want to, I did have the option of going part-time.  So with a lot of faith and no savings account, we decided I would.  The next month, an opportunity with a direct sales company was presented to me and for reasons I still can't pinpoint-I said Yes (with a lot of encouragement from my husband).

That business single handedly allowed me to stay part-time at work .  Almost 3 years later, I've matched my full-time RN salary with my home based business and I am working at the hospital even less.  We have paid off nearly $20,000 in credit card debt the past 2 years.  I'm not proud of that number.  We lived way beyond our means and the little things just kept adding up.  Just this year, the census (average number of patients) in our NICU has been extremely low.  Nurses are getting called off shifts, we either have to take vacation time to get paid or take the time without pay.  After getting called off an average of 7 shifts (84 hours!) over the past 3 months, many nurses have no vacation time left to take.   I have been taking the time without pay.  Thankfully, we have my other income to pay our bills.  I thank God every.single.day that we have this safety net.  It's nothing that I foresaw we would need, nothing that I thought I should "plan" for....but God did.  I firmly believe that this business was brought to me and it was built to sustain us when I needed it most.  It is NOTHING that I EVER thought I would be a part of, but I can't imagine where I would be without it.  Sometimes it takes years for things to come full circle, but it's really amazing when you realize that they do.

I'm home mostly with my family now, chauffeuring kids all over Timbuktu, working my business into my life instead of working my life around my job.  It's 100% what I love to do.  I nearly have the best of both worlds (for me)-the working mom and the stay at home mom.  And maybe this isn't what your "doing it all" looks like.  That's what else I've learned.   We don't all have the same dreams, what works for my family might not work for yours....and that's OKAY!  I want to support ALL mommas doing what is best for them and their families!  But I encourage you to look out for hidden opportunities and blessings, you just never know how your life might change <3

Catching Up 2014

The year of 2014 blogging seems to have a theme...."Playing catch up"!  My year has been so busy, but so great!  Truth be told, my Rodan+Fields business has kept me from blogging.....but it makes me money and blogging does not :)  So playing catch up will have to do for now!  November was a crazy month for the Cowsers.  Right around our anniversary, Alan ended up having an abscessed tooth and I was hospitalized with a GI issue.  We spent the next couple weeks recovering :( 

Happy to be home!

 By Thanksgiving, we were on the mend and  Alan had Thanksgiving dinner with his family on Thursday because I had to work. 

The Sunday after, we hosted dinner for my family at our house.  Alan fried a turkey and it was delicious!!  Everyone helped by bringing side dishes and we had waaaaaay too much food-but it was delicious!

That weekend we also picked out our Christmas trees and decorated, one for upstairs and one for downstairs.  We actually went out and cut down our own trees this year!  It was a nice little place called Merkle Ridge, close to us and we got such nice trees there.  It was a beautiful day too!

Picking out the perfect tree...and Colson with a weapon!

 

 

 The weekend was a great start to our holiday season!

Fall Family Fun!

Alan has been in full farming mode this fall, but the kids and I have been super busy too!  Where to begin?!
Colson had his very first field trip to Tanner's Orchard

Colson and his buddy Graycen

Kendall and Brooks tagged along too!

 

 

On October 5th, Livi and I went up to Chicago and ran in Comer Children's Hospital Race for the Kids.  We ran as a team in honor of my cousin's baby Nate who was born and passed away in August of this year.  It was so meaningful to run in his name.

Finny came with his Mom and Dad too!

She's ready to run!  Her first 1 mile race!

Spider-Finn

Such a special day.  Our team ended up #4 in fundraising-and we did it all in 4 weeks.  We also received the Team Mission award- I am so so happy to have been a part of that day!
The next week Colson, Kendall and I went with our neighbors to Radar Farms in Normal.  It's so cute!  There are so many things for the kids to do-they had a blast!  We will definitely be going back next fall.

Spider web crawl

They had 4 little play houses that were a post office, grocery store, etc.  SO fun!

 

Caterpillar tractor ride

Bouncey!

They have 2 small silos that have about 1 foot of corn to play in-the kids loved it!

This "tile slide" was fun for the boys

Real friends hold hands :)

 

 It was such a fun day for all of the kids, I think Livi would have fun there too! 
Daddy isn't the only one who is busy farming this fall!

The weekend of October 18th, my NICU had it's annual Small Wonders Walk to raise money for our Family Advisory Board, who then buys needed equipment/supplies for our NICU.  The big kids had fun with the balloons, bouncy houses, face painting, music and all sorts of other fun things!

 Kendall wasn't all that impressed though!

 I like to go and see our NICU graduates-it's nice to visit with some of the families and see how well the babies are doing!  We headed to lunch after with Kristin and Lizzie, goofy girls!

That evening we went to Wildlife Scary Park...again, Kendall was less than enthused about dressing up :)

Little Sheriff Callie

Trick-Or-Treat Trail

My Southern Belle

Firefighter Colson

Cutest Spook there!

The best pic of all 3....so sad :)

Story time

We rode the Not So Scary Train ride too...it was supposed to be past the time when it was not scary, but the kids were fine.  We taught Colson just to roar back at the scary people....it might have been a mistake, he's still roaring at us all! We've been busy, busy bees and that doesn't even cover Halloween!  We've been having lots of fun!!